For the last seven months, I worked with several clients to help them develop their writing skills, craft blog posts, create social media content, and pitch articles – all while I was falling deeper and deeper into the depths of my own dark hole of writer’s block.
Here’s a glimpse into my wordless world:
Me: “OK. Today, I’m going to write. I will write EVERY day for at least an hour, and it’s going to be awesome.”
While in the shower lathering my hair: Words are freely flowing through my mind. I mean, I’ve practically written out the entire blog post in my head. All I have to do is sit down and type it up. I think, “OK. I’ve got this!”
Sitting down at my laptop I think: Where oh where did those words go? Vanished. I have nothing to say, nothing to write. What the crap am I doing with my life?
The rest the day: I spend the remaining part of the day writing for my clients and not myself: “Why can’t I do this for my own work? Dammit.”
Then it starts over with me going to bed promising myself, tomorrow will be the day, that I finally write again.
Countless blog posts and business projects have been sucked into this black hole such as:
29 Things I Learned From My 29th Year
Death’s Ability to Transform
Why Work/Life Balance Doesn’t Actually Exist
…along many more.
I’ve learned a lot during this process. We start these negative cycles, and they feel nearly impossible to break. Nearly. What I know now is that we are our own source of biggest resistance, but it can be challenging to recognize this when we are in the thick of it.
And that’s where I was…in the thick of it all.
2013 was by far the hardest year of my life. It wore me down, beat me up, and spit me out so often, that I felt as if there was nothing left inside. I started to question EVERYTHING. Life, death, love, what I was doing, and my purpose.
Here I was, planning my dream wedding, traveling the world, and getting to do the work I loved in amazing places like the jungles of Costa Rica. I was living the life Eric and I had worked so hard to create, and yet, I felt miserable. I was lacking purpose. I felt a deep sense of loss of connection to myself and the world around me.
Then, sometime last fall, I came across this Rumi quote: “What you seek is seeking you.”
When I read those words, I felt things shift. It has since become a daily mantra for me. I often go through the day with this quote running through my mind on repeat.
“What you seek is seeking you. What you seek is seeking you. What you seek is seeking you.”